Entropy
first published as lost and found column#12 on November 13, 2004 in Sun.Star Weekend Cebu
I�m turning twenty-five in a few days. Reading through my old journals and poems last week, I realized I�ve outgrown writing about philosophical insights and spiritual illuminations. Now all I write about is love, the rollercoaster kind.
Really, I wonder where all the profundity went. Throughout high school and for most of college, my journals were full of expositions on the meaning of my existence, questions on the truth about God, an occasional incident with a crush maybe, but mostly reflections on my life.
Now my journal entries read like �Dear Diary� more than ever before. The older I get, the mushier I become. While I used to write down lessons from my readings or conversations, now I write about my feelings�how I keep longing for a particular person, how someone really hurt me, how a confrontation has left me angry and confused. I thought I was supposed to grow wiser with age, my life smoother and simpler with wisdom. How come I keep getting into more complicated, soap opera-like situations with the passing of each year?
Physics is the only way any of it makes sense. The Law of Entropy says that over time, matter tends toward increasing chaos. I�m happy to say I�m gradually starting to matter-- entropy is happening to me as I write. My cells grow a little older, more of my hair falls off, and my brain spews off less neat logic and more of the aftershocks of its collisions with reality.
I think that�s it: the real world happened to me. I now live outside my head and have real encounters with real people. Everyone else used to be just an actor in the drama of my life; now I know I�m one of the many actors in the drama that IS life. Other people can affect my world, for better or worse, as much as I can affect theirs. And with so many independent-minded beings interacting randomly like molecules in Brownian motion, there�s bound to be chaos.
In short, we CAN have perfectly ordered lives if we lock ourselves in a tomb where there�s no wind to mess up our hair, no sun to wrinkle our skin, nobody to hurt us or ruin our plans. Of course, there are less extreme ways to avoid entropy, or at least pretend it�s not happening. Two of my favorite men, Simon & Garfunkel, said it well: �I have my books/ And my poetry to protect me�/ Here within my room/ Safe within my womb/ I touch no one and no one touches me.�
Sometimes writing�and worse, reading�can be an excuse for not living. Maybe it�s because I read less now that there�s more time for my life to get complicated; maybe it�s the other way around. Or maybe growing older has made me braver to live through the complications instead of just over-analyze them on paper. Words help me cope through many personal tragedies, but they can also tempt me to simply label the chaos in and around me instead of finding my way through.
The first step to finding order in chaos is to not just name the disorder, but also experience the brokenness for what it is. Even if it hurts admitting there are some things we just can�t fix or win. And I guess wisdom won�t ever make life simpler�it just helps us understand that each hurdle WILL be harder than the last one, but that with grace we can survive the most suspenseful of dramas.
Entropy is a natural phenomenon. Just as roads and fences crack and are overrun by wild grasses and roots of trees, and the most solid rock gives way when rivers seek new paths, so must our body surrender to gravity and time, and our spirit to the blows of real life. It�s our greatest proof of having lived IN the world.
I can�t honestly write about climbing a mountain without getting my new shoes worn out and my muscles aching to show for it. And we can�t truly talk about love and loss until we hear our own heart break. Yes, I�m being mushy again, but hey, humor me. I AM turning a year older.
I�m turning twenty-five in a few days. Reading through my old journals and poems last week, I realized I�ve outgrown writing about philosophical insights and spiritual illuminations. Now all I write about is love, the rollercoaster kind.
Really, I wonder where all the profundity went. Throughout high school and for most of college, my journals were full of expositions on the meaning of my existence, questions on the truth about God, an occasional incident with a crush maybe, but mostly reflections on my life.
Now my journal entries read like �Dear Diary� more than ever before. The older I get, the mushier I become. While I used to write down lessons from my readings or conversations, now I write about my feelings�how I keep longing for a particular person, how someone really hurt me, how a confrontation has left me angry and confused. I thought I was supposed to grow wiser with age, my life smoother and simpler with wisdom. How come I keep getting into more complicated, soap opera-like situations with the passing of each year?
Physics is the only way any of it makes sense. The Law of Entropy says that over time, matter tends toward increasing chaos. I�m happy to say I�m gradually starting to matter-- entropy is happening to me as I write. My cells grow a little older, more of my hair falls off, and my brain spews off less neat logic and more of the aftershocks of its collisions with reality.
I think that�s it: the real world happened to me. I now live outside my head and have real encounters with real people. Everyone else used to be just an actor in the drama of my life; now I know I�m one of the many actors in the drama that IS life. Other people can affect my world, for better or worse, as much as I can affect theirs. And with so many independent-minded beings interacting randomly like molecules in Brownian motion, there�s bound to be chaos.
In short, we CAN have perfectly ordered lives if we lock ourselves in a tomb where there�s no wind to mess up our hair, no sun to wrinkle our skin, nobody to hurt us or ruin our plans. Of course, there are less extreme ways to avoid entropy, or at least pretend it�s not happening. Two of my favorite men, Simon & Garfunkel, said it well: �I have my books/ And my poetry to protect me�/ Here within my room/ Safe within my womb/ I touch no one and no one touches me.�
Sometimes writing�and worse, reading�can be an excuse for not living. Maybe it�s because I read less now that there�s more time for my life to get complicated; maybe it�s the other way around. Or maybe growing older has made me braver to live through the complications instead of just over-analyze them on paper. Words help me cope through many personal tragedies, but they can also tempt me to simply label the chaos in and around me instead of finding my way through.
The first step to finding order in chaos is to not just name the disorder, but also experience the brokenness for what it is. Even if it hurts admitting there are some things we just can�t fix or win. And I guess wisdom won�t ever make life simpler�it just helps us understand that each hurdle WILL be harder than the last one, but that with grace we can survive the most suspenseful of dramas.
Entropy is a natural phenomenon. Just as roads and fences crack and are overrun by wild grasses and roots of trees, and the most solid rock gives way when rivers seek new paths, so must our body surrender to gravity and time, and our spirit to the blows of real life. It�s our greatest proof of having lived IN the world.
I can�t honestly write about climbing a mountain without getting my new shoes worn out and my muscles aching to show for it. And we can�t truly talk about love and loss until we hear our own heart break. Yes, I�m being mushy again, but hey, humor me. I AM turning a year older.
Ate, i didn't expect you to be such a wonderful writer in love. Actually I am also having that dilemma about entropy. Though I really dont know much of physics...I understand how an opposite energy of entropy can be handy as we grow old. The less chaos our life has, the happier it will be.
ReplyDelete"I�m happy to say I�m gradually starting to matter-- entropy is happening to me as I write."
It's true, it always is. Weird isn't it? I also am happy that entropy is happening to me. I may deny it sometimes, but that's how life is! This post made me realize alot of things...so I thank you. Sorry if my english is not as good as yours....
Oh, by the way...HAPPY BiRTHDAY!
This is the MOST profound article I've ever read, (by you).
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, baby Jeneen!
may-i,
ReplyDeletehappy to know you could relate to what i wrote. we all need affirmation of being understood =)
the law of entropy actually has a condition i didn't mention: matter tends towards chaos UNLESS new energy is applied to bring back order. that's why from babies we grow up to be something more--because we constantly nourish ourselves with food to build our bodies. buildings don't decline right away because we repair them.
that's something i've long wanted to write about, too--defragmentation. spreading our energy and losing it is necessary, but finding ourselves and being whole again is just as important a process in the cycle of living. but only with God's grace can we be whole and healed again, so don't hesitate to ask for it. it's yours for the taking.
cute ng anak mo, kamukha mo! =)
From people i know, I think that you are better off being mushier at this time of your life. Most can be so detached from their feelings at this, your age, and would fall for reason, as a mode of self-protection. With you, it is different, I guess. Others would be building walls by the time they reach your age and onwards -- but you -- you are creating vents and removing bricks from those walls (pardon the term).
ReplyDeleteMaligayang kaarawan sa'yo Bb. Jeneen Garcia!