to my ana
because to listen would be allow myself to grieve, and to grieve would be to say that you are no longer part of my world. and i cannot do that just yet. not when so many still grieve and need to be comforted. they need to hear the stories first, how you made this world beautiful, and all the unanswerable questions about why you decided to leave it without even telling us you were planning this new adventure. i will let them have their time with you. and when everyone else is done, i will embrace you one last time, and perhaps finally know how let you go.
when i held your hand at the hospital, it was still warm, and i could not believe you would ever choose to leave. how would you expect me to when we have always both believed in the constancy of the moon and the early mornings? somehow, during the course of the day, i understood that it was no longer you lying there, that you were already free of that encumbering body long before that heart stopped beating.
some consolation i found in keeping busy for you the past five days, these two tasks especially, because i know you counted on me to do them: make sure caesura and her three kittens find a good home, and let you do one last dive.
my first time to wear your stuff, my dear sister, and i was happily surprised they fit 
caesura and the three white kittens live in a big house now, with sprawling grounds. exploring the whole thing will probably keep them busy for the rest of their lives =)
it was great finally meeting your sisters, and talking to your dad, and letting your mom know how important she was to your writing. pippa couldn't make it, though =( i WAS looking forward to meeting her because you always said i reminded you of her. i never got to tell you that YOU have always felt like an older sister to me, what with you blazing ahead in all the things that i, too, love. a lot of people asked if we were sisters, though. for me that was really the highest compliment. even your dad kept saying i remind him of you =) small consolations in a week heavily drenched with sadness. but as you said in one of your last essays, i will take what i can.
and i finally got to meet sheila =) i wish you'd been around for all of that. especially to hear your mom speak and read your poetry. your heart would have been full to overflowing. but no, i wasn't amazed at all at how so many people came to see you (although i'm sure, in your usual naive little girl way, you'd have stood there wide-eyed and unbelieving that you have so many fans. even the waiter at fine cusine asked me about you, you know =)--snow white in a glass box, poet dreaming. isabel said you're prettier than snow white, of course.
i'm sorry, but i'm not officially saying goodbye yet. not for awhile.
+AMDG
HUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUG,
ReplyDeleteback.
HUGS, (again)
jemi
i'm sorry for your loss. i feel your sadness. i hold your hand
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing Jeneen...Ana is sorely missed...
ReplyDeleteI'm there with you neen.
ReplyDeleteThere's no grief more powerful than the fact that she has enriched our lives simply for letting us partake of her friendship. She will always be eternal in our memories. For that alone, God will bless her.
ReplyDeleteI've wondered how you were since I learned of the news. I knew you'd take it harder than most of us. Wish I could give you a hug.
ReplyDeleteAnd you remind me of her, Jeneen. =) I assumed you two were best friends. You actually had the same likes --- diving, writing, travel, and many more. I would have wanted to meet Ana someday at some poetry reading with Vince, Sir Myke... the whole bunch of you.
ReplyDeleteThere is some elusiveness in Ana that I will always remember -- she can't be held as she is free. She can only be felt as you can't resist her presence. I only got to see her, personally, once in the almost 2 years that I knew her - when MV Doulous stopped in Cebu. Somehow, knowing Jeneen made up for times I could have known Ana more. Jeen you take care of yourself in Dumaguete. Ana, continue to write sweet poetry with the skies as your paper - so we can read them still...
ReplyDeleteam glad God is taking care of you.Both of you.
ReplyDeleteHi Jeneen, It was great to do that dive for Ana with you around. Hopefully I will be seeing more of you. Please don't hesitate to give me a call whenever you are in Cebu. Keep in touch. tc :-)
ReplyDeleteBtw, visited Ana today and she showed as her favourite huge thresher shark and a very rare weedy scorpion. Wish you were here :)
ReplyDeletehi eric =) i will always be grateful that you pushed through with the dive while i was there, even though the weather was discouraging. i couldn't have done that tribute dive with anyone else but ana's beloved aquanuts =) next time, i hope she shows me the thresher shark at tinggo, too, and all the rare things she didn't get to see. but the visibility that day was extraordinary, wasn't it? God shining his light in her cave =)
ReplyDeleteplease do let me know if you're coming this way =) it would be great to dive with you guys again.
hi, beryl. we can still do that, of course. and she will be there =) just too bad you didn't get to meet her in person. you'd have adored her even more =)
ReplyDeleteand i will always, always feel blessed that she became a part of my life. i didn't realize till after that we'd only known each other for two years--one year as neighbors, and one year just chatting, emaliing, texting, seeing each other when we could, after i'd moved out of cebu. but thank God, it felt like a lifetime.
ReplyDeletehope you and arlaine and the kids are well, myke.
thank you very much for all the comforting words and hugs. i've never felt how important the smallest kind word can be until now, when i am searching in all places for a balm to this loneliness. and i say loneliness, because until now, i still cannot imagine her gone. in my mind, she is still alive, inspiring me, though she may be somewhere else for the moment, and i may not hear from her again for some time.
ReplyDeleteand that's why when i write about ther, it is still inevitably in letter form. i still cannot imagine writing a "eulogy" for her, as if she had already ceased to exist, asif i have to try and "summarize" her.
i guess that's why isabel never cried at her funeral. she's the sort of person who always leaves a trail on our spirit, though she may be far away. but indeed, God has been a great comfort. always, there are consolations when i need them.